I think about it and it freaks me the fuck out. All I can think about is ending up in some soul-sucking job, married lovelessly to some kid I dated in high school, and all I have to show for the past 40 years of my life being that I’m someone’s mother. That scares me.

I want so much to live this big, fulfilling life that I think it sometimes stops me from achieving it. Oh, irony, you sweet, sweet literary device. But, I digress. I know exactly what I want: to have a job that interests me, to live by the beach, travel, be warm most of the time (winter is for suckers), fall in love, be able to read interesting books, good music, be able to make music, have time to write, own a french bulldog or a german shepard (i know, there’s a bit of a difference between the two)… I know what I want. But i have no idea how to get there. It freaks me out.

I have an AP exam on Friday and all i can think is “if i fail this, will it fuck up everything else?” which i know is ridiculous, but its how i’ve been taught to think. god, they’re already telling us that we should know what we want to major in in college. it’s like three years away. all i want to do at the moment is sing, swim, and watch nerdy documentaries about the universe (nerds for the win), not map out my future minutely.

I have no clue what i want to major in in college. or what college i want to go to. so many things interest me: sociology, psychology, astrophysics, biology, anthropology, music… the list goes on and on. it makes me a well-rounded and fairly interesting person (if i do say so myself), but it makes finding a major I like about ten billion times harder (why do i feel like such a teenybopper when i use exaggeration like that? maybe its because im not holden caulfield).

If I could do anything I want, I’d perform. To me, there is absolutely nothing comparable to being on stage in front of a crowd. There’s nothing like being backstage right as the house lights go down and the overture begins. That’s happiness right there. When we did Guys and Dolls, one of my friends told me that, basically, the guy i liked was whoring around. it was not exactly what i wanted to hear. but then, another of my friends came up to me, and when i told him what happened, he took my hands and said “none of that exists on stage.” and it was so true. That’s why i love it. Because i get the chance to live outside of myself for awhile. It’s why i was such a nerd when i was a kid, always reading books. I got to get out of my life and into the exciting existence of someone else. But, unfortunately, that’s not realistic.

I’ve realize this year that I’m not really special. Here, I may be above average, but everywhere else, I’m just one of the many. I’m good at a lot of things, superior at none. It makes me more interesting, sure. But it was sort of an “oh… okay.” thing. Like, now that im average… what do i do?

I still dont know the answer.